Say when
by whenvampiresdon'tsuck
Summary: Just a short story abot NS from Nate's perspective... From they were little kids and till she comes back from boarding school.


_I see you there, don't know where you come from  
Unaware but you're still from someone  
Don't Appear to care that I saw you, and I want you  
What's your name? Cause I have to know it  
You let me in and begin to show it  
I'm terrified cause you're headed straight for it, might Get it_

Suddenly she's standing there, he doesn't see her coming. A little girl in the corner. The perfect girl. With long golden hair that seems to go on forever and blue, _blue_ eyes that bore their way through anything. She's gone as quickly as she appears. One blink and Nate looses sight of her. He doesn't even get to talk to her. He doesn't know her name, and he has to know it. He's only five years old, but can feel that this girl is something special. Someone he has to know, have.

_Serena_. It's not only a name. It's light and laughter. Hope and love. She is all of those things and sometimes it kind of scares him. She is so much of everything. One day he is chasing her all over their estate at the Hamptons. When he finally catches her, she falls over him and starts laughing. In the five years he has known her she's never been this close. They're so close to something. Something big. And that day, they kiss for the first time. She tastes bubblegum, the croissants they had for breakfast and so much more. Too much for him at that moment. So he runs. He doesn't know it then, but this is the only time he'll be the one doing the running.

Blair Waldorf is nothing like Serena. Sure they're best friends, but they are totally different. She is so difficult, but then again so easy. Because she knows what she wants, and gets it every single time. One day that thing is Nate. And he lets it happen, goes along with it willingly. The blonde tornado that once made him run is too strong, too real. Serena is independence and freedom. She takes things as they come along, no planning. She's never still and never does she stay with someone or something for a very long time. And that tends to scare him. So that's why Blair Waldorf is kind of perfect. She says something, he does it. She plans their lives together and he just closes his eyes. Shuts out his real feelings. Just trying to get over the little, blonde girl.

_Hear the song playin on the background  
All alone but you're turnin up now  
And everyone is risin to meet ya, to greet you  
Turn around and you're walkin toward me  
I'm breakin down and you're breathin slowly  
Say the word and I will be your man, your man, say when_

He's standing in a room full of people, but still he thinks he's never been so lonely. In the background he can hear a song, it reminds him of something. Someone. And she's not there, even though she was supposed to be. And she's not his girlfriend, even though he thinks she's supposed to be. The girl that really is his girlfriend stands two feet from him, talking to some important people. People he and Blair are supposed to grow to be. Even though he thinks they're not really supposed to at all.

She comes out of nowhere, like she always does. It has become her thing. And he hates it and loves it at the same time. She lights up the whole room, everyone is smiling at her, rising to talk to her. To get a tiny bit of her sunshine. But she only sees him and is heading straight for him. She takes his hand and giggles. Then she drags him along and he quietly follows her. He has no choice. The blonde hair that matches her yellow dress and the blue eyes that matches his own. He really has no choice.

"You're a mess..." They knew this was going to happen someday. They had known it for a long time now. The question had never been if, but when and where. There's touches and kisses everywhere, anywhere. Its two people that have been holding back for so long, two people that at this moment tries to take it all in. Imprint everything in their minds, this is a moment they're never going to forget. It should've brought them together, but instead it tears them apart. Because when he goes to see her the next day. To tell her that he is going to break up with his girlfriend, she's gone. Vanished from the city. So he doesn't break it off with Blair. He stays with her because she is something familiar and because he feels lonely. But he never forgets Serena and that barstool.

_Come close and then even closer  
We bring it in but we go no further  
We're seperate two ghosts in one mirror, no mearer  
Later on if it turns to chaos, hurricane comin all around us  
See the crack, pull it back from the window, you stay low, say when_

There she is again. Like an unexpected breeze. He can't believe it's been a whole year since he's seen her. It feels like it was yesterday, he held that girl. Kissed her. She's gone as fast as she arrives and just as unexpectedly. For a moment Nate thinks he just imagined it all. Maybe that would have been for the best.

"I didn't come back for you." Her words hit him in a way he didn't think was possible. She turns and starts walking. He stands there, quiet and still. Like he always does, like the coward he is. He doesn't deserve her. In that moment he doesn't deserve anything.

A brief touch, stolen looks and hidden feelings. That's all they get, all they are. The closest they are to anything in the first year she's back, is his hand on hers. Just for a second he thinks they are finally getting it together. That she feels something for him too. If it's only just a tiny part of what he has always felt. His heart breaks a little every time he sees her with Dan. The Brooklyn boy she's always kissing, holding hands with. That she so clearly loves. It stings. And Dan's not even the worst part. The worst by far is the way they've lost each other. Completely. He misses just being her friend, being there for her. The moment she's ready to say the word he will be there. As anything she wants. _Just say the word._

He's afraid it's never going to happen. That he won't get his chance. That it's too late and that he never should have ran away from her all those years ago. They were just kids, but it was still so real. Too real.

_And my own two hands will comfort you tonight, tonight  
Say when  
And my own two arms will carry you tonight, tonight_


End file.
